The Stand-Up Comedian Steven Wright

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

Half the people you know are below average.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.